Physical intimacy, attraction, and “chemistry” are indeed a big part of a relationship. Well, I hate to be a party pooper, but a lot of the time this stuff is our automatic brain (AB) being attracted to someone with the genetic features that our AB knows will place our offspring in a favorable and dominant position. Love at first sight, let’s face it, is almost always lust at first sight. If you wish to believe, trust, and take direction from this or are forever looking for this to happen and therefore trying to identify your “soul mate,” then you may well experience the supreme disappointment that comes with AB behavior and thinking.
A little refresher on my terminology: The AB is essentially our primitive nature; some call it ego. It has one purpose and one purpose only—to protect us from danger, threat, and vulnerability by fight or flight. I believe that when we lead our lives believing, trusting, and taking direction from this brain, we are drained and true happiness eludes us. When we base our relationships mostly on physical attraction—to our mate’s physical features, power, influence, or money—then we are set up for failure. Many people, when asked what they want in a mate, reply with physical descriptions or statements like, “He has to make me laugh.” (What are you looking for—a circus performer?) You should ask yourself, “Am I looking for someone to protect me from my own insecurities (hence, vulnerabilities)?”
A relationship built mostly on physical attraction and sexuality can rest on that foundation (in my estimation) for about three months. After that time, the AB begins to get impatient and any pimple (literally) that disrupts the relationship places it in jeopardy. Three months into your relationship with the “perfect” person for you, he or she develops a furuncle (fancy-sounding medical term for a large boil) on the butt. A few weeks later you, the lover without a flaw, come down with a whopper of a sinus infection productive of yellow mucus, etc., etc…What are you feeling now?
So you may ask yourself, is this guy for real? Is he telling me that the physical part of a relationship is not important?
No, that’s not what I’m saying. In fact, a strong physical attraction is very important in an intimate relationship and usually is what separates a friendship from a relationship. The pleasure we get from intimacy is arguably the single greatest physical pleasure we as humans can experience, is life affirming, and can solidify the bond between two already connected people. But when it is the only feature or the strongest link, then the relationship is a set up for implosion, because it is based on the automatic brain.
But on this Valentine’s Day when you are set on pleasing your lover make sure, first and foremost, you love yourself in every sense of the word. Taking care of your physical body is not only a sign of self-love, but a powerful attraction for those to whom you wish to appear attractive. When you achieve a true love and respect for yourself, you are able to trust your relationships with people in a genuine and loving manner.
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